Mumbling Madly

One of my students, a two-year-old, is accidentally locked in his mom’s mini-van with the windows rolled up. It is 80 degrees outside and probably twice that hot inside the car. It was his first day of class. His older sister is four and took Creative Movement with me. This is the studio in Madrona located along side the gorgeous Lake Washington. Half the joy of teaching at this studio is the view, the water lapping up against the concrete wall as I walk to the old boat house that’s been converted into a studio.

The van is parked facing the water and people are passing by and offering to help. The mother is frantically in control, her voice a thin tense line as she shouts at her son to press the unlock button. She desperately tries to coach him while waiting for her husband to bring keys to her vehicle. A small crowd gathers. The four-year-old sister spots me and runs up to the bench where I had innocently sat down to have some lunch–an ideal spot looking out over the water. I realize I need to take the other child off the mother’s hands and keep her calm in time of crisis. We sit side by side on the park bench, her feet dangling, someone has given her an apple. An old man dragging a plastic raft has stopped and suggested we call the police. It’s been 15 minutes since the accidental locking of the car. The little boy is now sweating. He’s holding a small stuffed animal, strapped firmly in his car seat, a look of blank wonder on his face. It is a game? Is he in trouble? He can’t push the lock down, his fingers are too weak.

A man in his forties, a young Madrona Mom, an adult student on her way to Open Ballet, this is just a small sampling of the small crowd. Some tap on the window at the little boy, others try and calm the mother, finally someone pulls out a cellphone and calls the police. “He’s sweating,” the dispatcher is told. A police car doesn’t come fast enough; another five minutes past by. The old man with the inflatable raft takes a sweatshirt and lines the passenger door with it. Then he expertly punches the window until the glass shatters with a resounding pop. The little boy inside the car screams and the mother dives in. She pulls him out of his car seat and runs, runs to the concrete wall that protects Lake Washington from the parking lot. She jumps in, with her clothes on, the water shallow reaching her waist. Her son is placed on the concrete lip and she begins splashing him with murky lake water to cool him off. People gather around with bottles of water, hands dip into the lake, voices are fast and firm. The little boy howls, his sister looks at me with big eyes. I had been sharing my almonds with her–nervous that she might have a nut allergy, (don’t all kids have one?) even though she claimed not to. “Why is he crying?” she asked. “Sometimes when you’re finally safe you can allow yourself to feel scared,” I explained. We had been engaged in several deep conversations about accidents, locking the car, the police, how strangers can help you in times of need. In her lap she held a second apple, “This one I’m saving for my brother.”

Beautiful Bald Bee is heading off to Iowa City…I’m gonna miss her (and her new husband behind her).

OK, so I’m a sucker for a deal. Such a sucker that I would break my self-imposed ‘no fast food restaurant’ ban in order to take advantage of the Friday Free Latte deal at McDonalds: From 11am-9pm on Friday you can stroll into the chain and receive a free small latte. Granted, there is zero advertising in the actual store, so you have to casually inquire, “Are you participating in the free latte promotion?” I guarantee you will get a blank look, because it will most likely be the employee’s second day and he hasn’t been informed about the give-away. However, after frantically checking with a pissed-off looking manager the free latte promo will be confirmed and the drink will be presented.

I learned about this promotion on the TV–probably the first time I was aware (consciously) of an advertisement influencing me to go out and but their product. If you watch standard television you’ve probably seen the ad campaign for McDonalds’ new line of espresso drinks. The latest one features two stuffy looking twenty-somethings sitting in overstuffed couches at a cafe, the perky sound of jazz in the background. One of them announces that Mcdonalds is serving espresso drinks and after a moments hesitation the two are thrilled, THRILLED. Suddenly, they realize they can cast off their dower appearances and really cut loose from the confines of the cafe scene. “I can start wearing heels again!” One of them cries.

I’m sorry, WHAT? I know the ad is trying to imply that folks who patronize, say, a Tully’s are nothing but dumpy, turtle-neck wearing, practical-shoe buying, snobs but when was the last time you saw a McDonalds patron wearing heels? Have you been in a McDonalds lately? Because Seattle breeds the exact type of clientèle the ad campaign is making fun of, the standard fast food patron in this city tends to, oh, lack teeth. Call it classist, but that’s just the way things are around here. Now that I think about it, I really should have put on a pair of heels and strolled in for my free latte–unfettered and unrestrained. As it was, I admittedly was wearing old birkenstocks. (Damn, maybe the stereotype is right).

While working for The Bucks I used to comment that it was a “McDonalds for rich people.” Coffee is cranked out, branding is shoved down throats, and superiority is felt by all. However, customer service is very important for the elite coffee chain and this is why the person ringing up your espresso tends to be a shade more cheerful then your average McDonalds teller. So, while you might have to pretend that you actually like jazz (as the McDonald commercial jokingly suggests) the benefit is that you get someone who is relatively polite taking your money. At McDonalds the poor fellow who procured my drink was enduring his second day midst the chaos of a busy lunch rush. He fumbled with the push buttons on the screen, couldn’t find the ‘iced’ button, forgot to ask what type of latte I wanted or what kind of milk. He looked about 16 and was obviously miserable as the snapping manager practically punched out the buttons on his register.

The verdict? Well, the complimentary McDonalds iced latte (which normally retails for $1.99) was terrible…completely and utterly horrible. The idea of McDonalds selling espresso at half the price is alluring–and a brilliant marketing idea. However, the quality just doesn’t match up. You know that stereotype? The snooty girls in the commercial who toss off their glasses with relief at no longer having to put on airs in the cafe? Well, those girls don’t exist. Like myself, those girls would take one sip of a McDonald’s latte and grimace. I AM one of those girls and I have to tell you: I almost bought into it. Not because I find espresso chains exhaustingly snobby but because I love espresso and wanted a bargain.

My McDonalds unfettered espresso experience was similar to buying a latte in Kansas City: the shit sucked. Pallid, melted, and tasteless, the drink paled in comparison to what you’d receive in even the dankest of cafes. Somewhere in Italy (home of the original espresso) a barista is crying. Call me a snob: I went home, brewed up two espresso shots in my fancy pants machine and tossed it into the watery semblance they called an iced espresso drink. Free is a very good price and I’m glad I didn’t pay a dime for that craptacular latte.

The blue angels are practicing. I hate them. Call me unpatriotic, a noise-freak, etc. but screaming military jets messing up our skies bug me. Today the little boy I take of on Thursday was enjoying his swing when the jets screeched across the sky over his house. The poor little guy almost shit his pants (’almost’ because I checked). He started shaking in his swing, his little heart pounding. I tried reassuring him, “Don’t worry, they’re just loud,” I tried reasoning with him, “They’re like a big noisy plane.” I tried empathy, “Are you nervous?” He looked at me with watery eyes, “Yes, they make me nervous.” I pulled him out of his swing and we went inside. “I not scared, I nervous,” he enunciated, clearly thrilled with his new word. He looked out the window warily. It was interesting trying to communicate with a two-year-old about fear. Clearly, he was disturbed by the noise of the blue angels. However, his lack of language left him helpless to communicate exactly what he was feeling. When I tried to talk strategy with him (”next time they come we’ll put our hands over our ears and look up”) he seemed distracted. Finally, the little guy curled up against me and we read book after book. I’ve never seen this kid slow down long enough to snuggle. Every time the angels went over the house he shouted, “I’m nervous!”

Is there anything more rewarding then home gardening? I don’t mean to sound like a touchy, feely, NPR-listening, hippy shoe wearing, latte drinking, eco-friendly, nerd but I just grew my first cucumbers. I went to the farmer’s market today. When I went past the cucumbers I thought with great zest, “Nope, I don’t need THOSE…I have them growing in my backyard.” The same goes with jalepenos, which, ok, so they aren’t quite big enough but I still picked one anyway. I planted yellow peppers…but the pepper growing on the plant is green–and getting bigger and bigger, (did they make a mistake? Or do they start out green and turn yellow eventually?) My mint is out of control and delicious in mojitos. My tomatoes are bountiful, stubbornly green, and I am impatient. Finally! One of my “early girls” is turning slightly orange–which means soon I’ll have a ripe tomato. Somehow I’ve collected four full grown tomato plants and six baby tomato plants that I stuck in random places because I couldn’t bear to throw them out. (I grew them out of a free seed packet that came with my Burgerville happy meal). I know that marveling over one’s garden is cheesy. However, it’s simply expounding on the little pleasures in life…and right now growing my own food in spite of looming recession, housing crisis, and war is remarkably satisfying.

By now we’ve all heard the song “I Kissed A Girl.” I can only imagine the throngs of adolescent boys casually slipping this song into their ipod for their girlfriend to listen to in desperate hope: “See, SHE kissed a girl and she LIKED it.” It has to be a sign of progress (?) in this country when the majority of responses to this song are the following “this song is so awesome, i love it, i mean, come on, half the chicks here have to have kissed a girl once, even if it was just on the cheek or whatever… so yea, its pretty cool” –Courtesy of the youtube comment feed.

Remember when the first same sex kiss appeared on Melrose place? It was May 18, 1994, edgy gay character, Matt, shared an intimate moment through a kiss near the pool with guest-star boyfriend Rob — except it was only implied because a threatened advertiser boycott forced Fox to shy away from the actual lip lock. Wading into same sex kissing waters in the 90’s was quickly picked up on by recently outed “Ellen” (liplock between Ellen and best friend Paige ), the super square “Party of Five” (Julia Salinger engages in a short-lived lesbian affair with a professor ), and most hideously: “Ally McBeal” ( In a much-watched episode in 1999, Ally McBeal and fellow lawyer and co-worker Ling Woo (Lucy Liu btw) engage in a 21-second-long kiss). By the way, did ANYONE like Ally McBeal? I HATED that show.

I merely bring up television because, well, one has greater chance of seeing a same sex kiss by accident in the convenience of their own home versus screening themselves away from it via movies. For example: Don’t wanna see hunky Heath Ledger (R.I.P.) get all gay in Brokeback Mountain? Don’t go to the movie. Television, however, is so accessible that when it comes to truly liberating same sex kissing, you can thank the boob tube. And, luckily, there have been some really legitimate same sex kissing on TV, you know, for political and personal reasons (not just voyeuristic). In “Will & Grace “: An episode in the 2002-2003 season featured Will liplocking with his best friend Jack while “The Today Show’s” Al Roker and the rest of the New York crowd and TV audience look on. While researching the pop culture same sex kiss phenomenon I also learned about the controversial “Dawson’s Creek” smooch in 2000 — It’s considered the first romantic gay kiss between two men on TV. After a season of teenage angst and longing, Jack McPhee, who came out the previous season after briefly dating Joey Potter (a nubial young Katie Holmes), shares an on-screen kiss with former friend now turned boyfriend Ethan.

It’s been over 15 years since “Melrose Place” introduced an openly gay character to their cast of angsty, twenty-something, beautiful people–AND let him join in on the action (because really, “Melrose Place” ended up being so trampy, why get all huffy over a little same sex lovin?) Now we have same sex SNL characters dressed up in drag smooching each other in semblance of hetero love. We have entire sitcoms based on gay characters (thank you very much, “Will and Grace”). So getting back to my point: How in the world is the song “I Kissed A Girl” even relevant? And can I say for the record: Who hasn’t? I mean, really…ladies if you haven’t gone out and smooched your best friend drunkenly at a party then please go out and do so before you die. This is such a small measure of edginess these days, a valuable part of coming of age, and, thankfully, it’s become an acceptable part of our society. Oh sure, there are conservative Christians out there who shudder at the thought, but c’mon…most women I know have lapsed into same sex curiosity somewhere a long the line. Some of them were just ‘tri in college” (I’ll ‘tri’ anything), some of them were lost and looking for answers, and other’s were legitimately gay.

I know that female on female action is widely more accepted then male same sex kissing (despite the “Melrose Place” debut). If Katy Perry was, say, a man, I doubt her song would have the same ring. The fact that she’s writhing around with a tube of cherry chap stick in her music video certainly lends to the sexual exploitation of the whole sensationalizing of a pretty accepted behavior.
Is Katy encouraging social experimentation? Is she merely perpetuating a sexist, female on female, porno-type expectation? Is she opening the hearts and minds of a new generation with her encouraging bisexual lyrics? Will she dwindle into the One Hit Wonder category? Perhaps we’ll simply associate Katy Perry with other goofy songs that resulted in silly outrage. Like Joan Osbourne when she sang “What If God Was One of Us” (What?! How dare she say that God is a slob!) or the “Thong Song” by Sisqó (What?! Thong undies are so uncomfortable, why would anyone sing about them?!). Either way, I’m not impressed.

A few extra details about our trip. It was Kimberly and Justin’s wedding/10 year anniversary party that prompted us to make the trek to LA in the first place. I met Kimberly pulling coffee at The Bucks on Capitol Hill eight years ago. We discovered we both had matching degrees: major in Drama/minor in Dance. Hurrah! I recruited her for the show I was working on, we danced (contemporary), eventually Justin ran our lights, and they became our best ‘couple friend’ while living in Cap Hill for the summer. Then we moved to CO and they moved back to So-Cal.

The inside joke of the party was by far Kimberly’s blog reference to signing their marriage license under the lines Party A and Party B (to reflect the recent gender neutral licenses distributed in CA). No Husband and Wife terms for them! (Which suits them perfectly). Their ceremony was 5 minutes, led by a mutual friend, and very touching. There were no exchanging of rings, no vows they had written, and no wedding cake (but not to worry, I had spotted large cupcakes in the kitchen!) The ceremony wrapped up with a a simple “Do you take this person?” and a “I do” from Justin and a “I totally do” from Kimberly.

The room exploded with cheers and in the following chaos Josh started casing out the lime tree in the backyard. Wanting to help out the bartender (a friend of K and J’s who was super sweet and made me a humongous martini in an equally sizable plastic cup), Josh managed to extend his long arm up into the tree and extract a lime. How cool is that! How ‘California’ to have fruit trees that produce lemons and limes–I had no idea!

The Newport Beach breezes picked up as we dined on vegetarian lasagna (reflecting Kimberly’s vegan tendencies), drank wine from the care free bottles of red and white that had been placed tactfully on each table, and met other arty/drama-y friends from the K and J community. Champaign was passed around at the end for toasts and rememberences. Josh had been happily drinking beer all night, drank his champaign, and then cheerfully added the glass of red wine I had poured for him hours ago (for dinner). This resulted in a very Sick Josh the next morning in the LAX airport (who has since then swore off champaign for the rest of his natural life). That combined with a nerve wracking 45 minute wait to get through security, no food, and a packed plane led to both of us melting down. To top it off we had an inexperienced mother sitting behind us with two screaming, screeching, complaining, whining children…one was about a year old and the other was barely three. It was so bad that the stewardess came over and said, “The seatbelt sign is off, now would be a great time to walk your baby up and down the aisle…here I’ll take your three year old.” Did the mother walk her baby? No, she sat like a lump in her seat while her child emitted a series of painful yelping noises. I couldn’t even sit back in my seat because my chair was being mercifully kicked the entire time by an impatient and pissed off toddler. Worst Flight Ever.

But all that aside, the wedding was a delightful highlight to an otherwise somber weekend. Hurray for Kimberly and Justin!

My second cousin took this really nice picture of Josh and I. We’re sitting on the patio, at grandpa’s house, eating spaghetti sauce that we had pulled out of the freezer. My grandpa posthumously fed twenty people that night.

I miss California. (I know! I know!)

My grandpa was a prominent member of the SLC Italian-American community, was responsible for getting the SLC Opera where it is today, and was a ‘real fox’ according to one of the ladies who spoke at his Rosary the night before his funeral. In order to convey the experience I’ve come up with two lists.
–What made me cry:
1) Ave Maria. Don’t know what it is, but I end up in a little puddle every time I listen to this Schubert aria.
2) Mention of my grandfather’s incredible love for my grandmother who died suddenly 17 years ago. None of us, not even the steeliest of cousins, was immune to the incredible passion my grandpa carried for her year after year in solitude. We all openly wept when the priest acknowledged grandma, many of us visualizing the two of them shopping somewhere in heaven together looking for bargains.
3) Entering and exiting the church with the casket. It was like a crying parade with me somehow always ending up in the front. The finality of bringing grandpa in and then escorting him out was so heartbreaking I blubbered until tears came off my cheeks, down my chin, and fell into my cleavage.
4) Red roses on the casket that we plucked for pressing.
–What made me feel ok:
1) Watching Erin hold a little umbrella over the terminally ill priest who was not doing well in the hot cemetery sun.
2) Joining hands with ten family members as we hauled the heaviest casket ever across the cemetery and to the grave site.
3) Connecting with my Great Uncle who looks so much like grandpa it was heartbreaking, (imagine going through the entire day thinking, “Grandpa! Oh no, wait, that’s just Uncle Rocco who looks like grandpa from behind”).
4) Making garlic bread with my cousin for a large dinner the eve of the funeral.
5) We gathered all the left over spaghetti sauce in the freezer that my grandpa had made, put it into a large pot, and served twenty people with it. What a bittersweet meal: the last time my grandpa would ever feed us with his signature sauce.
6) Taking pictures with people who share the family nose, the family temperament, the family “worry about getting to the airport on time” trait.
7) Making plans to return in October to watch “Madame Butterfly” at the SLC Opera. They plan on dedicating that particular opera to my grandpa and I plan on being there, (and crying I’m sure).
8) Picking out several ties–specifically a unicorn tie for my sister who couldn’t be there and a snazzy red patterned tie for myself.
9) I also arranged every sweater he owned by color and pattern on his bed. His sweater collection was enormous and we kept finding sweaters in various hidden locations–some still in their plastic wrappers and many of them purchased on sale. The family spent hours going through his sweaters and trying them on. None of us are the square shape my grandpa was, having inherited my grandma’s height, but many of us picked out sweaters anyway out of love and the need to be closer to grandpa. I took one sweater that I’ll make into a pillow and one to wear around the house.
10) Finally, and most strangely, I got around to asking my Uncle Tony why I gasped for air right before I was put under anesthesia for my ear surgery. Being an anesthesiologist, he explained that there are two drugs: one for knocking you out and one for paralyzing you so you don’t move during surgery. Normally they knock you out first and then paralyze you while you’re sleeping. Sounds like they didn’t wait long enough between drugs, administrating them one right after the other, and my lungs were reacting to the paralysis setting in. Someone fucked up big time.