A while back Jeff asked some poignant questions on my blog. After musing about them for a while I decided to take a stab at answering them. I’ve been trying to figure out answers to these questions myself. As a person who does not have children but spends an enormous amount of time with other people’s kids, I feel like I’ve gained a bit of knowledge along the way. Am I an expert? No way…and I’m certain as I grow older and wiser my views on child development will morph and evolve even further. That being said, I have been paying close attention and I have a few ideas:
Jeff:“The statement about the 3-year olds in pull-ups vs. those that are reading and writing. What do you attribute the difference to? Parenting? And if so, what could those parents have done different? Or, is it genetic. A dumb kid is a dumb kid no matter who raises them? I’m very curious! After all, who doesn’t want to have the most well adjusted child on the block?”
One question I’ve posed too many teachers and faculty is this: “Is empathy innate or learned?” The resounding response has been, “Innate…usually you got it or you don’t…but sometimes it has to be learned.” When I first heard this I was surprised: You might just be screwed. You could have a selfish bastard of a kid who is going to have to work all his/her life on how to be compassionate towards their fellow man. But if you identify it early parents can (and should) model empathetic behavior and hold the kid accountable every time he/she snubs a friend or behaves irresponsibly. Many parents seem to value their child’s academic success much higher then their social skills. If you have a rude child whose parents only care about good grades, I believe they’re going to have to struggle a little harder in life to maintain social connections. The further I take this teaching thing the more I realize: Academic achievement and social maturity should be equal in concern for a parent. As one teacher claimed: “Your first grader may be reading at a fourth grade level but if she doesn’t have any friends what good is it going to do her?” As teachers, I think we have a huge responsibility of balancing the academic work with the social growth we’re promoting in our students. I feel that in my own education, the social stuff was not addressed and I felt alienated by many teachers, (i.e. “Can’t they see me struggling out here?”) I’ve also noticed that parents who have high expectations of their children socially and emotionally tend to get results. I’m assuming they aren’t pushy or over bearing with their children, (I’ve seen that backfire too) they simply have implied since Day One that they expect the absolute best work and behavior from their child—nothing less. The kid grows up knowing exactly where Mom and Dad stand, whether it be an emphasis on school work or importance placed on ‘being a good friend,’ if the kid knows what is expected of them it tends to work well. Therefore, a child who shows up at age three reading and writing have probably had a lot of help and encouragement at home. The three-year-old who shows up in diapers have not had the reading/writing expectation placed on them–or maybe they have but it’s gotten muddled in with the surprising need for potty training. But, OK, let it be known that there are certain genetic factors: Sometimes a kid is just really smart. (Although, I’m sure being born into a comfortable, healthy, environment where a child’s intelligence is nurtured doesn’t hurt either).
Jeff also posted: “I want to know, based on each kid’s personality, how much you can predict their future. There was a documentary movie, I can’t remember the name, where they filmed some kids at age 7. Then they went back and filmed them at age 37 or 47, or something along those lines. And the kids were all pretty much had their same personalities. I wonder if this will hold true for your kids? With that said, I imagine there’s also quite a lot of change that can go on between 5 and 7.”
I’ve touched on this idea a little bit before. I found the following excerpts in past blog entries:
July 21, 2004: When you look at a chubby kid complaining of being “tired” after 2 minutes of skips around the room and you know she’s going to battle a weight problem all her life. Or the cute, blond, angel of a girl who now and forever will get by on her looks and her looks only (until she hits 50 and has to start developing a personality). I’m telling you, I’ve gotten that good at reading these kids. And the parents…the parents are a whole other bag of apples. I’ve had parents wanting me to “slow it down” for their kid…SLOW IT DOWN? We spend 15 minutes playing Sleeping Fairy Princess, for crying out loud.
Dec.02, 2004: Personality truly forms at the earliest age possible. I’ve touched on this before and I’ll say it again: At three-years-old I can see into these kids’ futures and predict a great wealth of knowledge that only my own 27 years can predict.
In the past I only worked with the kids once a week for forty-five minutes. Now I am currently working with the same children in the same environment for thirty odd hours a week. My initial impressions of these kids when I met them in August have all changed in some small way.
One of the more interesting cases was with one of our fruity boys, a kid who everyone nudges and whispers, “Is he gay?” This is a kid who is an extremely talented dancer, artistic, creative and enjoys putting on tutus in the dress up corner. But the more I got to know him and work with him, the less his ‘gayness’ stood out. Perhaps it’s because I’ve easily looked past his bright pink boa and seen all the layers of this boy. Now, I don’t even think: IS THIS KID GAY? Because it’s just not very relevant anymore. That first impression I see many other people get: “Whoa, is that kid performing a scene from Chicago? Gay?” I know longer have it; he probably is gay but I’ve moved way beyond it.
There are other factors that go into personality, largely environment, birth order, and of course, the child’s innate spirit. An aggressive boy who is constantly shoving and pushing other kids while playing basketball on the playground is warned again and again that he needs to be more aware of other people. His father’s response: “Boys will be boys…I’m not going to raise a pussy.” Is competiveness part of this kid’s personality or is it encouraged and nurtured at home?
And then there is the rare case: Sometimes a kid is awful but his parents are wonderful…and that’s the truth. Many times the physical health of the child is determined as part of the cause of his social immaturity. With one of our students his doctors are finding that he is processing things very differently due to inadequate neurological function. They’re currently trying to determine whether he has a learning disorder or if he is mentally disabled. Either way the child’s schooling will have to be approached differently in order to accommodate his different learning needs.
If you get a kid whose wiring is screwy, well, what else can you do but try to provide the best possible environment for them? This always scares the crap out of me when I think of my future children: What if you love them but they still turn out to be serial killers?
I know I’ve gone off on a tangent while answering Jeff’s questions, but here are some other interesting social observations:
1) The child who get’s a long splendidly with adults but can’t relate to children. Typically I’ve seen this with Home Schooled children, but occasionally I’ll see it around the school too. These kids tend to be trained at an early age to respect and interact with other adults but they’ve had limited exposure to same age peers. I think early socialization of kids is super important; it doesn’t mean putting a kid in preschool at age two but it does mean they need to have some time outside the home with other kids. The longer you wait, the harder it is for a kid to approach school at three, four, or five years of age if they’ve only hung around adults. (Again, it should be said that some of this is contingent to personality).
2) “Parallel Play,” The instance where a kid will play along side another kid but never interact with them. In this kid’s mind they’re totally playing even though he never speaks or connects with the other child. Usually a socially immature kid will try this out for a while until he’s comfortable diving in and talking to someone else.
3) The boy who is drawn to sports versus the boy who is swinging on the monkey bars or engaged in ‘creative play.’ I don’t know what to make of this, perhaps this is largely environmental?
4) The girl who is drawn to sports instead of creative play. I hate to say this but typically the Sporty Girl is the bully of the classroom. A real handful, Sporty Girl tends to be too aggressive for girl play and enjoys running back and forth on the football field with the kindergarten boys. It would be interesting to see where this girl goes in a few years, perhaps this is just a phase…I doubt she’ll be able to ditch the girls on the playground permanently.
5) The Leader versus The Follower. Where does the self-confidence of The Leader come from? I think personality plays such a large part with this. You have a loud mouth kid who struts and brags all over the place and they’re heralded as a kindergarten equivalent to Colin Ferral out on the playground. Sometimes this kid is the youngest child and has gained a lot of confidence simply by being in an ‘older’ environment. Other times this kid (dare I say it) is naturally a loud mouth. They are social and seek out other kids and really care about what other’s think of them.
5) Dynamics of the Bathroom. It starts early: Girls go to the bathroom in packs. Sometimes I’ll find four girls in the single bathroom of our classroom. Their need for private conniving is so strong, they’re willing to sneak around, using the bathroom as bait, (”If you do this I’ll let you go to the bathroom with me!”) I’m trying to nip it in the bud, but I’m thinking I might be going up against nature on this one. (The only time I’ve ever seen a group of boys go to the bathroom in a group has been when one kid wanted to demonstrate the power of his glow-in-the-dark t-shirt).
OK, I could sum up this entire entry in one word: Parenting. Yup, it really makes all the difference. The type of environment you present to your child from babyhood until they enter school is usually what sets them up socially and academically for the rest of their life. I really believe this– hence my trepidation in having children. Those early years are so crucial; you have to rely on getting to know your child really well and providing him/her with the right guidelines and boundaries from the beginning.