Mumbling Madly

Ariel: “Mara, you know what? My older sister LOVES the name Josh, she thinks it’s the best boy’s name.”
Me: “Really?”
Ariel: “Yeah, whenever we play, ALL the boys are named Josh.”
Me: “My husband’s name is Josh.”
Airel: “I know…my sister thinks that is SO cool.”

Surprise! Another ear infection!
Anyway, I have this thing for this kid, “Van”, as I’ve mentioned before. And the Lead Teacher is fairly certain his Dad has a thing for me too. This kid has suddenly become fascinated with a certain book called CinderEdna, a farcical take on the classic Cinderella tale. That’s the cool thing about children’s stories, similar to movies (i.e. Shrek and Incredibles); the books are fun for kids and also insert some ‘just for adults’ humor as well. Any way, he’s obsessed with two pictures. One is the final wedding ceremony, the couple decked out in crazy modern clothing. The bride is really pretty, decked in shiny clothes, and Van is really into her. Van points to the picture of the groom and claims, “That’s me.” He then points to the bride and smiles, “And that’s YOU!” I was genuinely flattered, “Cool…” Then, to cover the awkwardness of the fact that I’m currently married, I joked, “How about you be the bride, since you love that picture so much?” At this point, another kid pipes up with his own input, “You know, I heard that boys can marry boys and that girls can marry girls.” Suddenly, I am transported to a time when I asked my mother if girls could marry girls so that I could marry my best friend, and my Mom said, “Rarely.” Now, here it is over twenty years later and this little kid is confirming that, yeah, it’s totally OK to marry the same gender. He continued, “I think if you’re both boys, one of them has to dress up like a girl though…” he pondered this, and I can see that it makes total sense to him, “So then one would be the boy in the marriage and the other could be the ‘girl!’” Then he paused, “But they still couldn’t have babies.” “That’s true,” I confirmed, thinking of the little girl in our class who has two dads, “But they could adopt.” The kid smiled, and then a flash of some lesbian couples I’ve known crossed my mind: “Or they could just have dogs, and consider them their kids.” (Oh my God, did I really say that?) The little boy laughed and the conversation was over. I brought up the overall acceptance and tolerance of gay couples and their children at a recent Resident Meeting. One teacher from New York reminded me that it’s pretty circumstantial, “For every tolerant private school there are a dozen public schools in the Bronx where the kids openly call each other ‘faggot.’
The second picture that Van is obsessed with in CinderEdna is the one with the two lovers on a grassy meadow and the prince is carrying CinderEdna in his arms into the sunset. Van asked me if he could pick up and carry some of the girls around in his class. When I point out that this is maybe not the safest choice, he insists, “But I could do it…come on! I could lift them…” I flat out refuse to allow it, although I know the kids do try and pick each other up from time to time–especially during the game “Dance Party.” Van tries to persuade me and I continue to negate him. “It’s not that I don’t think you can do it, “I rationalize to him, “It’s just that I don’t think you should.”
I’ve found that pulling out the old “It’s Opposite Day” tactic has worked really well. Case in point:
Me: “Kyle, it looks like you’re having a hard time not bothering your neighbor during Circle Time, please sit next to me.”
Kyle: “No.”
Me: “Yes, please.”
Kyle: “No!”
Me: “Yes.”
Kyle: “No!”
Me: “Actually, it’s Opposite Day, so you really mean ‘yes.’”
Kyle: “It’s not Opposite Day!”
Me: “See, that means yes, it IS Opposite Day.”
Kyle (befuddled): “Then I mean YES, I’ll sit next to you.”
Me: “Great, come on over.”
Kyle: “BUT YOU SAID IT WAS OPPOSITE DAY!”
Me: “I did?”
This has been known to go on for quite a while. The best part is that it usually works because the kid is so impressed that you actually know about Opposite Day. They don’t know that this was a huge scoring tactic for me as a child, (my brother can confirm this). Eventually, the kid will start laughing because they can’t believe their teacher is using this strategy and I receive major dap from the other kids who are watching. I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons why Opposite Day is not a correct way of solving behavioral issues, but c’mon, sometimes all the usual bullshit just doesn’t work. A lot of it is this insistence that we use all sorts of psychologically correct mumbo jumbo with the kids. If one of them climbs up a cabinet and leaps off of it, I find myself saying, “Oh, wow, was that a good choice?” If a kid comes up and narks out another kid, I’ll say, “Well, you’re a great Problem Solver, a real Leader, I think you can handle this problem yourself.” When a kid openly lies to me, I have to say, “Wow, that sounds like not telling the truth on purpose.” When someone yells at another student, I say, “Is that a proper tone of voice to use?” When the kids are going crazy and not sitting in a circle properly I can be heard saying, “If you don’t know what a good listener looks like, take a look at Jim–thank you Jim, you look really ready for me to excuse you for snack.” Now, some of this language is very effective and places most of the responsibility on the child. But sometimes it’s useless, because the kids don’t want to listen to you, don’t want to be a leader or a problem solver. It’s at this point that you can find me answering the kid in the exact tone of voice, just so they can hear how loud it is. Or you can find me squeezing their shoulder, hitting just the right pressure points, and stopping them in their tracks. Or, on a kinder note, you can find me in a long embrace with a child as they sob into my shoulder.