Yesterday I was pulling out a bag of garbage at my work when the unthinkable happened: the can went with the garbage and than dropped down with force on to my big toe. “YEEEOWW!” My toe immediately turned pink, red, purple, and then settled into a horrible shade of black. The pain was so intense I felt nauseous. I mentioned it to my boss–because, you know, I was injured on the job–and she said, “Oh, yeah, that happened to me once.” I shook it off and went into auto-pilot mode, trying to get shit done so I could close the place up and leave. I gimped to my car and drove in rush hour traffic for forty-five minutes while steadily ignoring the waves of pain and nausea.

When I got home I tried to distract myself with bad television…but it was no good, I couldn’t ignore the horrible pulsing of blood collecting under my tonail. I finally gave into fitful crying, freaking Josh out and prompting him to call around for advice at local medical centers. This proved to be useless, because before advice could be dispensed, we had to prove we were insured with said medical center. This involved being put on hold for along time. At one point an on-call gynecologist from the women’s center contacted me only to say in all sincerity, “well, I guess if you’re in horrible pain you should go to urgency care…I mean, this isn’t really my specialty, being a gynecologist and all.” We finally wised up and turned to the internet and this is what we found:

Home Treatment

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  • Apply ice and elevate the injured area as soon as possible to minimize swelling and relieve pain. Acetaminophen will also ease discomfort.
  • If you have severe, throbbing pain, make a hole in the nail to relieve the pressure. (Do not do this unless you are confident you can do it without burning yourself. Do not do this if you have diabetes or circulation problems.) Follow these steps:
    • Straighten a paper clip and heat the tip in a flame until it is red-hot.
    • Place the tip of the paper clip on the nail and let it melt through. You do not need to push. This will not be painful, because the nail has no nerves. Go slowly and reheat the clip as necessary. A thick nail may take several tries.
    • As soon as the hole is complete, blood will escape and the pain will be relieved. If your pain is not relieved by this procedure, you may have a more serious injury, such as a broken finger or toe or a deep cut. In this case, you should see your physician.
    • Soak the finger 3 times a day in a half-and-half mixture of hydrogen peroxide and warm water.
    • If the pressure builds up again in a few days, repeat the procedure, using the same hole.

OK, so I’m sure this is all much easier to read than to actually do…but Josh and I gave it a try. The first attempt, I ended up putting too much pressure and feeling a bad burning sensation from the paper clip. I ‘yeow-tched!” and “aaack-ed” my way through several attempts with Josh using the paper clip and me applying the flame. After calling my Mom and blubbering over the phone she quoted back to me the same instructions above. I decided this was getting serious…who wants to show up to the emergency room with a black tonail? Not me, I’m not that big of a baby. So I iced my toe for twenty minutes, handed Josh a BBQ torch and an unbent paper clip and went to work. My toes are pretty thick and gnarly from years of dancing. It took us many tries, but we worked down a system where Josh would fire up the torch until the paper clip glowed red and I quickly wedged it into the growing hole in my toenail. Finally, finally, we heard a snap and blood SPURTED straight into the air and glug-gluged all over the kitchen floor. The relief was incredible…within seconds my tonail went from being solid black to purple and then a simple shade of red.

My tonail looks like it has a little bullet hole in it or something, but I may actually keep my nail. I know this is a pretty gross post, but I just have to share this amazing technique. It saved me from agony, turned my tonail back to a normal color, and returned my appetite! Next time you squash one of your appendages, remember this post.