I don’t know why I do this to myself. I attend something that promises to be the best new works of Seattle–no, the entire northwest–and I am blisteringly disappointed. I had really wanted my world to be a little shaken, a little spooked, with all these new upcoming art-eests. But in order to be in the festival one has to have a bleak if not hopeful view of the world. Everything is crazy, rough transitions abound, and nudity is preferable. With the exception of one piece, where the theme was very grandly, “Love,” the remainder of the work I saw was a scattered mess of images, brief dancing, and yes, please, nudity.

“Love” was placed under a microscope by two people at a lectern, several singers humming about love, and images flashing on a screen behind the actors. Quotes from ancient authors, pretty shots of a woman fainting, and tons of words in foreign languages flashed too quickly across the screen. What’s the point? I thought….none of this feels profound. It ended abruptly and the performers didn’t even take a bow, they merely hovered before rushing off to clean and clear the set.

The other pieces were truly performance art–terrible in all its masturbatory glory with brief moments of brilliance. At times I felt like I was at a “happening” in the 70’s. Other times I felt bored and unamused…like when one Portland based performance group started singing that lame country song about putting a “boot in yer ass.” Oh sure, their Wal-mart clothing splattered with patriotism was cute the first few minutes. One girl’s passion for the flag caused her to rip off her clothing, (which didn’t make sense, but she had nice breasts so we forgave her). And what’s more middle America then a pie eating contest? The comic timing before the family prayer was good, but the man laughing hysterically with bloody pie filling on his face was not good. No, it was very, very bad. A bright kick off lapsed into the audience thinking, “Oh God, now I know where this is going…” as the performers gagged, humiliated, and ‘tortured’ the pie eating victim ala Abu Grave Prison. I know, this sounds interesting when you read it but watching it performed was excruciatingly tedious. What is the benefit of this kind of theater? To deeply offend conservative mid-westerners by mocking them? To nudge all the Seattle liberals in the crowd and say, “This country sucks, look at these poor hicks worshiping the flag!” And for God’s sake if you’re going to sing into a microphone at least ATTEMPT to sing on key…off key singing is only funny once, after that it’s just agitating and makes me not want to listen to anything else your performance art might have to say.

The second piece was great simply because there was full frontal male (and female) nudity. And instead of being totally gratuitous (like the other group’s booby waiving patriot) it played fantastically as the dancers were bathed with an electronic light. Their bodies finally outlined in a single silhouette (Yay! We really DO get to see their naughty bits!) against the backdrop. I was trying really hard to understand why, prior to all the cool techno nakedness, the female dancer was shoving her fist into her mouth. This went on for a long time while the male dancer frolicked around behind her in his underwear. Was she anorexic? Was she showing the frailty of human nature? Would she actually shove her entire fist into her mouth? No…that never happened, and I was disappointed. I thought perhaps a fisting demonstration might soon follow but instead the dancers got naked and the audience sat up a little straighter.

I have deep appreciation for the last piece because it was a shade more fun then the preceding three (and I knew the director). Sure, it was manic and people ran around constantly doing unexplainable and unjustified things. There was something thrilling about seeing people mess around with a parachute, perform a ribbon dance, and shake a baby doll at the audience to make a point. Everyone in this piece had freaky animated eyes that bugged out of their heads. (Finally! Facial expressions from the actors that weren’t “Deadpan Dancer Face” or the classic: “I’M FREAKING THE AUDIENCE OUT WITH MY CRRRAAA–ZY SHIT”). I didn’t know what was going on at all (as usual) but I appreciated the energy and they provided cool little flags under our seats to wave around during the show. I’m a sucker for props, and I loved cheering the performers on with my little flag.

So, if you want to be a performer in this festival you can’t be simple. No, you have to beat the audience repeatedly over the head with every idea you’ve ever had. Narrative? What is that? Character exploration? A clear idea you want to communicate to the audience? Hell, no, the audience must feel lost and confused as they struggle to find the inner meaning of it all. (This is performance art after all). We wouldn’t want contemporary theater to be accessible to mainstream audiences, we might actually ATTRACT a broader audience that way.

Oh, and nudity…hands down, you have to be naked.