Tue 1 Jul 2008
So, what is the social network etiquette when it comes to accepted ‘friend requests?” If you haven’t heard from someone in ten years and they contact you on facebook, well, what do you do? I’ve tended to base my acceptance on my last interaction with this person and if it was generally positive. Hence, the few folks I ran into at my 10 year reunion and had a good conversation with are now my ‘friends.’ The girl I barely know who stage managed the last Legend’s show, who was so sweet and provided much needed estrogen to a cast ripe with men, is my ‘friend.’ The flattering photographer who snapped the first F.D. photo shoot and can always be found at the base of the stage with his huge lens pointed at my hot pants is my ‘friend.’ Anyone I’ve ever shared the stage with improvising is considered a ‘friend.’
A few weeks ago I was contacted by someone and I had no idea who they were. The black and white profile picture was of a demure woman holding a little boy in her lap. Who the hell is this? I couldn’t see much of their profile, but I gleaned that they were from Vancouver, married, and Christian. OK, so this is not typically a demographic that I relate to. Probably their last name must have changed? I sleuthed, but I didn’t recognize them. Then I realized: this was my close friend in 7th grade. I say ‘was’ because she and I had a falling out in 8th grade where she pitted my (still) best friend Courtney and I against each other. Tempers flared, sides were taken, and by freshman year our friendship had dissolved. Did I accept her friend request? No. No, I did not.
Italians are known for holding a grudge. It doesn’t matter how much time has past, we will hold a grudge against you until the very end. I know this sounds dramatic, but I’ll be the first to admit: I have a very hard time ‘getting over things.’ If I have one negative encounter with you, even if you apologize, I’m going to hold onto it and file it away (and if you don’t apologize, man, you better forget it). Sure, Italians are also noted for their great passion, empathy, and ability to bring people together (usually around food). But we can turn this all around and become just as passionate about being slighted (and how that made us feel, and how it should make everyone else feel, and so on and so forth). I make plenty of allowances, but I am not a ‘live and let live’ type of person.
This side of myself has been oddly triggered due to social networking sites and my recent exposure to the performance community. Recently, I received a friend request from a girl I was friends with in college. Typical for that age we both got very distracted with boys, relationships, ourselves, etc. and grew apart somewhere around our junior year. She lived with my X in a house filled with other friends (which was hideous since it cut me off from many of them). None of this was her fault, but I still felt left over uneasiness about the evaporation of our friendship. Cut to ten years later and she’s happily married with two kids, lives far away, and recently sent me a ‘friend’ request. Really? I thought.
“It’s been ten years!” a mutual friend brought up. But, that’s the thing: sometimes it doesn’t matter how long it’s been. (Hell, my X showed up at a Legend’s show and I almost threw up right there on stage–I was so panicked. “But it’s been ten years! You’re married now and you own a house!” a fellow performer exclaimed as if that would somehow erase my anxiety). Still, in this case I realized any sort of stubborn grudge holding was silly. Friends…even long ago friends are important. Even though it’s just facebook, the sense of community, of extension, is really important to me. The climate in this country has been extra hard lately, and I realized that I don’t have time for grudges. I accepted her friend request and immediately we dove into a lively discussion about theater, parenting, and our artistic quests. It was a nice step up from the casual acquaintance format of social networking sites–one where you merely use your friends as receptacles for a million event attendance requests.
But that’s me…and I know it’s case by case. Some people would rather have huge friend numbers, regardless if they actually know each and every one of their ‘friends.’ So, I turn it over to you, dear readers…what is your criteria for accepting ‘friend’ requests?
July 1st, 2008 at 2:54 pm
My criteria’s pretty simple - I either have to know you, or you need to be into my work. Since one of the functions I use the social networking sites for is for self-promotion, I mainly check to see if the non-acquaintance requesting an add is interested in comics or art.
There’s only a couple of people I know that I’d flatly refuse an add to. There’s at least one that I really debated about, but I figured it’s better to have a way to get ahold of those people than not.
-clay
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Your friend is right. Owning a house erases any pains of relationships past.
(how nonsensical! i love it.)
July 5th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I’m with you. I pick, I choose. Just because we went to high school at the same time does not mean I need you in my networks. Likely as not, if I really wanted to make that connection with someone later, I could–that’s the beauty of the friends of friends viewing. Similar to you, if my last experience with you was negative, I probably would think about it for a few days and decide.
Then again, I feel that way about the people I spend time with in my real life, too.
P.S. Don’t hold a grudge–I still feel really terrible about ruining the ending of the last cycle of Top Model for you!
August 25th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I’m actually pretty anal when it comes to my friends list on FB. You’ll notice I only have around 30 friends, instead of the usual 80-5,000,000 that most people have. I prefer to have only people who I interact with on a day-to-day basis in my regular circle of friends, or whom I consider close friends.
I haven’t taken the time to look people up from high school because I haven’t talked to the majority of them for 10+ years and it just seems artificial to me to have them as friends when they weren’t friends in high school to begin with.
You’re the only one I could think of that I would want to have on my list, which is why I contacted you. I actually had some silly girl from here in Philly who I had NO CLUE who she was. I told her as much (in a much, much nicer way) and she said, “oh, I’m friends with your husband”. So I asked Sean and he said, “Uhhh… I’ve seen her around, that’s about it.” Yeah… “friends” indeed! Needless to say, I didn’t add her. When it comes to people like this, I just tell them nicely that I don’t add people with whom I don’t interact with on a day-to-day basis.
Anyway, all this to say I can relate.
But who is the blonde? For the life of me, the only person I can think of is Heidi or Sarah, but I don’t recall going to junior high with them. Then again, I think junior high was one of those times when we ran in different circles. Junior high and high school really were the grandest times of stupidity for me.