I’d love to say I ate decadently during the 9 months I was pregnant, but instead I had this weird relationship with everything I put in my mouth. Those of you may recall, I never barfed but was so nauseous my OWN SALIVA made me gag. I was saddened by the idea that I wasn’t going to really celebrate my 200 extra calories per day. Instead I volleyed back and forth from feeling queasy to just ok…There was only one day that I felt so famished, it felt like my body might be ingesting my own tongue.
Otherwise, I ate pretty normally. Oh sure, I had a few celebratory meals where I went to Red Robin and wolfed down a giant hamburger or when I ate the entire Chicken Dinner at St. Clouds. But the baby was squeshing my stomach most of the time and I seemed unable to really pack much in during one sitting. (Hence, I was constantly grazing). I also suffered from “Copper Penny Mouth.” This is when your mouth inhabits a bitter taste most of the time instead of the neutral, non-taste, your saliva usually produces. I would eat something marvelous, delicious, ravenous and two seconds later…bam…copper penny taste was back. I’m sure this had something to do with hormones, but it plagued me all through my third trimester. One of the first things I noticed after pregnancy was a lack of copper taste in my mouth.
Anyway, everything changed when I started to really, seriously breastfeed. And I mean REALLY seriously…in the beginning the baby is this tiny, blind, newborn who can barely open its mouth much less lift its head. There is a lot of manipulation of the baby, of your breast, or everything to get the kid settled and fed. Baby only eats about two ounces and it takes a long time. As baby becomes stronger, hungrier, and more confident your milk supply really starts to kick in. Then baby starts developing an attitude, and in my child’s case: he’s thrilled. He loves to eat, he loves to look around, he’ll stop mid-way and smile up at me in adoration. 3 ounces has gone up to 5 and then 6. As a result, Baby has developed creases in his thighs and an extra chin. He’s wearing 6-9 month clothing on his barely 4 month old frame.
To allow for baby to be this enthusiastic about nursing I have become a Protein Fiend. I always had a casual approach to protein, preferring a diet based on fruits, vegetables, and light dairy. A pack of chicken breasts would last me a week. The idea of ‘cooking a roast’ was foreign to me. I’m sure Josh suffered over this; preferring to leave the cooking up to me, I would find him appreciative but constantly hungry. (Consequently, he would supplement the lack of roast in his diet by smuggling large bowls of cereal at night).
Slowly, I became more and more hungry as baby began to really grow. At three months I noticed I was spending a lot more at the grocery. My cart started filling up with sausages, chicken, beef, and lunch meat. I bought a Baby Loaf of Tillamook cheese–because it was on sale, but I didn’t expect to actually go through the whole thing in a week. I found a really excellent cookie recipe made entirely out of almonds, whole wheat flour, and oats–the nuts provide a huge pack of protein in a hurry. I showed up to a yoga class having only eaten my father’s healthy whole grain pancakes. The class did not go well. Sleep dep combined with only carbs for breakfast left me weak and light-headed. When I returned home I wolfed down handfuls of salami slices and a cheese stick.
The real indicator came during a recent BBQ at Seward Park. There was a time when someone would hand me a bratwurst and I would bat my eyes demurely, look at my husband, and say, “This looks delicious; would you split this with me?” Then I might nibble a veggie burger or munch on some carrot sticks to balance the half of a sausage I had just consumed. Not so this last time…no, at this BBQ I wolfed down the entire bratwurst in two seconds. Then, AND THEN, I ate a hamburger. Oh sure, I told Josh we would split it, but before I knew it I had eaten the whole thing. At one point Josh asked, “Hey, where did that hamburger go we were going to split?…oh, wait…I see.” The burger was gone. Beef tastes good! After the hamburger and the bratwurst, I contemplated a hot dog, but decided I might need to slow down for a moment.
My sister’s eyes widened when I told her the BBQ meat story. As a vegan, she is pretty laid back. However, even she knew that my meat consumption was unusually high compared to my usual “let’s split this” attitude. I asked for some recommendations of non-animal based protein sources. Beans and rice, saytan, tofu dogs…”even I get protein cravings,” she claimed. But they’re no where near mine: handfuls of sliced turkey, meatballs, baked chicken with veggies, chicken quesadillas on whole grain tortillas. At last, the epic food adventure I didn’t get to have during pregnancy, is here!
At a recent (professionally paid for) playgroup, the baby and I were treated to a guest speaker who specialized in dance, movement, brain development, scarf tossing, etc. etc. During this speech the babies were bombarded with group tummy time in a circle on a mat (my child cried first), scarves dangled in their faces, songs, and then their torsos were placed on top of big rubber balls. While the balls were rolled gently back and forth we sang “Wheels on the Bus” loudly. During the madness the speaker expounded on the brain while holding a plastic replica. “You see this ridge right here,” she indicated to a blue line near the cerebellum, “This ridge is thinner in boys at birth then girls…this is because boys mature fully by the age of 23 and girls by the age of 21.”
Instantly, I was transported to myself at 21 and all the dingbat boys I hung out with who were a sad two years away from full maturation. (Ah, no wonder I had such a hard time in college!) But then I looked at my son who outweighs the average baby girl in the group, his chubby enthusiastic cheeks, his fists clinging to my shirt in a desperate monkey-like grip to keep from being placed on the mat again….really? This kid is destined to be behind the girls due to a thinner band in his cortex? Sure, we all know what adolescence looks like with the girls towering over the boys in pimply hormonal maturation. But, I hate being reminded of this ‘fact’ when my son is only 3 months old and just starting out.
The speaker then launched into how, since we all place babies on our backs now to reduce SIDS, their brains are getting smooshed. In fact, a very important part of the brain which controls motor development is at the base of the neck, which, BINGO, is right where a prostrate baby puts its weight. ‘Laying a baby on its back is equivalent to a turtle,’ she said, ‘All arms and legs waving but the REAL work is when you put the baby on its stomach.’ She then announced that since the “Back to Sleep” campaign began in the 1990’s, neural disorders like ADD and ADHD have increased by 60%! Especially in boys…that’s right. If you weren’t afraid of your son getting autism, (thanks a lot Jenny McCarthy) now you need to worry that laying your child on his back is increasing his chance of bouncing all over the classroom and being put on Ritalin in a few years.
There are several big worriers in the group, myself included. We over-analyze and over-read all the baby books and worry ourselves into the middle of the night. The last thing we need us a reminder that our sons are at higher risk of every neurological disorder on the never ending list of ‘things that could go wrong.’ I could see the other mothers tighten their grips as they dive bombed and swayed to “Tickety Tickety Bumblebee.” The speaker lambasted us with more shitty brain facts for a few more moments before whisking her millions of props away and running out of the playgroup as fast as she had entered. Every baby in the room was either crying or past out from over stimulation.
Remember when girls were the big concern? The whole “Ophelia Complex” thing with the neglect of the schools for girl’s learning; They all had eating disorders and low self-esteem tied in with a squashing of their learning potential due to overbearing boys. Cut to 15 years later and now we’re desperately concerned for our autistic, ADD, ADHD riddled boys who yearn to run around the playground during the many cut recesses from the school schedule. Boys can’t read, they’re graduating from college in smaller numbers, and they’re drowning in jail time. And, oh yeah, Baby girls have cuter clothes, they pull off gender-neutral outfits better, and they have more choices for good first names.
Was this why I initially swore I would have a girl during the beginning of my pregnancy? Because I had already had a whiff of the boy hysteria crowding our education? Did I think it would be easier to navigate a child who was my own gender? Perhaps the fear is that we will be unable to unlock the mysteries of our sons and they’ll be out of control monsters pointing guns at everything while the girls stand there demurely being seen and not heard. It doesn’t improve our outlook when so-called specialists remind us that our boys will be talking later, their brains are smaller, and that they might, MIGHT, struggle more in life because they are boys.
Because, we do the best we can, right? We put our babies on their backs despite what a huge pain in the ass it is. Babies LIKE being on their stomachs when they’re a newborn ball, they prefer it actually. But consequently, none of us are putting our kids on their stomachs enough when they get older, the concept of ‘Tummy Time’ a cruel invention of our generation. We don’t put them on their tummies as often as they need to because most babies HATE it. They usually throw up, head resting in their puke, little necks straining to support themselves. Most of them cry and cry, only to be relieved when they finally end up on their back again.
We delay feeding them solids because we don’t want them to get allergies. So, even though many of us were eating solids at 2 weeks old and therefore sleeping through the night with a brick of solid food weighing our stomachs down, this is now taboo.
Vaccines might cause allergies, autism, aluminum allergies or something bad…so many parents are spacing them out much to our pediatrician’s chagrin. I’m not doing this but so many of my friends are that I can’t even talk about vaccines without fear of a panic attack. What if the current recommended vaccine schedule turns out to be unsafe after all and our children are consuming thousands of toxins with each shot? Will I be the idiot who trusted the American Board of Pediatrics when everyone forged ahead with their own made up vaccine schedules?
Don’t get me started on the current stipulations for the crib: no pillows, no blankets, no toys, no crib bumpers, no nothing in their crib until they’re one years old. Winter babies are expected to be stuffed into sleep sacks to ward off the cold because even swaddling the kid in a blanket is under controversy! Because it’s a BLANKET, people, and even a blanket tightly wrapped around your baby could somehow come undone, drape itself over your kid’s mouth, and SUFFOCATE him.
All this and I have to sit through a guest speaker reminding me about my boy’s future shortcomings? No way, sister…no way. I’m shutting my ears, holding my son securely in my lap, and waving a scarf a safe distance from his face.