At a recent (professionally paid for) playgroup, the baby and I were treated to a guest speaker who specialized in dance, movement, brain development, scarf tossing, etc. etc. During this speech the babies were bombarded with group tummy time in a circle on a mat (my child cried first), scarves dangled in their faces, songs, and then their torsos were placed on top of big rubber balls. While the balls were rolled gently back and forth we sang “Wheels on the Bus” loudly. During the madness the speaker expounded on the brain while holding a plastic replica. “You see this ridge right here,” she indicated to a blue line near the cerebellum, “This ridge is thinner in boys at birth then girls…this is because boys mature fully by the age of 23 and girls by the age of 21.”

Instantly, I was transported to myself at 21 and all the dingbat boys I hung out with who were a sad two years away from full maturation. (Ah, no wonder I had such a hard time in college!) But then I looked at my son who outweighs the average baby girl in the group, his chubby enthusiastic cheeks, his fists clinging to my shirt in a desperate monkey-like grip to keep from being placed on the mat again….really? This kid is destined to be behind the girls due to a thinner band in his cortex? Sure, we all know what adolescence looks like with the girls towering over the boys in pimply hormonal maturation. But, I hate being reminded of this ‘fact’ when my son is only 3 months old and just starting out.

The speaker then launched into how, since we all place babies on our backs now to reduce SIDS, their brains are getting smooshed. In fact, a very important part of the brain which controls motor development is at the base of the neck, which, BINGO, is right where a prostrate baby puts its weight. ‘Laying a baby on its back is equivalent to a turtle,’ she said, ‘All arms and legs waving but the REAL work is when you put the baby on its stomach.’ She then announced that since the “Back to Sleep” campaign began in the 1990’s, neural disorders like ADD and ADHD have increased by 60%! Especially in boys…that’s right. If you weren’t afraid of your son getting autism, (thanks a lot Jenny McCarthy) now you need to worry that laying your child on his back is increasing his chance of bouncing all over the classroom and being put on Ritalin in a few years.

There are several big worriers in the group, myself included. We over-analyze and over-read all the baby books and worry ourselves into the middle of the night. The last thing we need us a reminder that our sons are at higher risk of every neurological disorder on the never ending list of ‘things that could go wrong.’ I could see the other mothers tighten their grips as they dive bombed and swayed to “Tickety Tickety Bumblebee.” The speaker lambasted us with more shitty brain facts for a few more moments before whisking her millions of props away and running out of the playgroup as fast as she had entered. Every baby in the room was either crying or past out from over stimulation.

Remember when girls were the big concern? The whole “Ophelia Complex” thing with the neglect of the schools for girl’s learning; They all had eating disorders and low self-esteem tied in with a squashing of their learning potential due to overbearing boys. Cut to 15 years later and now we’re desperately concerned for our autistic, ADD, ADHD riddled boys who yearn to run around the playground during the many cut recesses from the school schedule. Boys can’t read, they’re graduating from college in smaller numbers, and they’re drowning in jail time. And, oh yeah, Baby girls have cuter clothes, they pull off gender-neutral outfits better, and they have more choices for good first names.

Was this why I initially swore I would have a girl during the beginning of my pregnancy? Because I had already had a whiff of the boy hysteria crowding our education? Did I think it would be easier to navigate a child who was my own gender? Perhaps the fear is that we will be unable to unlock the mysteries of our sons and they’ll be out of control monsters pointing guns at everything while the girls stand there demurely being seen and not heard. It doesn’t improve our outlook when so-called specialists remind us that our boys will be talking later, their brains are smaller, and that they might, MIGHT, struggle more in life because they are boys.

Because, we do the best we can, right? We put our babies on their backs despite what a huge pain in the ass it is. Babies LIKE being on their stomachs when they’re a newborn ball, they prefer it actually. But consequently, none of us are putting our kids on their stomachs enough when they get older, the concept of ‘Tummy Time’ a cruel invention of our generation. We don’t put them on their tummies as often as they need to because most babies HATE it. They usually throw up, head resting in their puke, little necks straining to support themselves. Most of them cry and cry, only to be relieved when they finally end up on their back again.

We delay feeding them solids because we don’t want them to get allergies. So, even though many of us were eating solids at 2 weeks old and therefore sleeping through the night with a brick of solid food weighing our stomachs down, this is now taboo.

Vaccines might cause allergies, autism, aluminum allergies or something bad…so many parents are spacing them out much to our pediatrician’s chagrin. I’m not doing this but so many of my friends are that I can’t even talk about vaccines without fear of a panic attack. What if the current recommended vaccine schedule turns out to be unsafe after all and our children are consuming thousands of toxins with each shot? Will I be the idiot who trusted the American Board of Pediatrics when everyone forged ahead with their own made up vaccine schedules?

Don’t get me started on the current stipulations for the crib: no pillows, no blankets, no toys, no crib bumpers, no nothing in their crib until they’re one years old. Winter babies are expected to be stuffed into sleep sacks to ward off the cold because even swaddling the kid in a blanket is under controversy! Because it’s a BLANKET, people, and even a blanket tightly wrapped around your baby could somehow come undone, drape itself over your kid’s mouth, and SUFFOCATE him.

All this and I have to sit through a guest speaker reminding me about my boy’s future shortcomings? No way, sister…no way. I’m shutting my ears, holding my son securely in my lap, and waving a scarf a safe distance from his face.